All of us in the food anaphylaxis patient community have dealt with the relative, the friend, or the coworker who thinks they understand our safety needs better than we do.
Never mind that this person has no medical training, they're going to set us straight.
Riiight...
This post isn't about the first conversation. You've already explained anaphylaxis, you've answered their questions, and you're asking for as little accommodation as feasible. Yet eating is a social activity and because of that you sometimes have to raise the topic of safety. It's the only way you can attend the conference or agree on a restaurant.
This post is about the person who has forgotten nine-tenths of what you already told them, the one who mistakes your plainspoken description of medical need and pretends they received a request for advice.
During my early twenties sometimes the exasperation showed. A man I had been dating suggested we go to a vegetarian bakery. We had already held the full conversation about anaphylaxis on several occasions. I had questions about this bakery because some vegetarian places substitute fruit juice extracts for sugar; he stonewalled. When I repeated the questions he took a patronizing tone.
"You don't understand," he insisted.
"It's healthy!"
To be told that I didn't understand my own health was a bridge too far. This time I shot back,
"No, YOU don't understand. I have a rare medical disorder. What's healthy for you could send me to the emergency room. You're not a doctor and you don't know what you're talking about."
It should come as no surprise that we stopped dating soon afterward.
Responding to such a person is easy. The challenge is to get the point across without an outburst.
That happened a quarter century ago. Since then time has taught a few things.
1. They may not comprehend this is medical necessity.
We live in a world where lying about a food allergy is socially acceptable. My opinion of people who fake food allergies is on par with my opinion of people who steal handicapped parking spaces. Yet liars do exist and those of us who have the real thing get mistaken for fibbers, especially if our anaphylaxis gets caused by an unusual allergen.
On a practical level, one way to minimize confusion is to keep conversations about food preferences completely separate from food allergies. When someone begins to blur that distinction with a segue about food fads, halt the conversation to emphasize that the paleo diet is a choice--anaphylaxis isn't.
Suggested phrasings:
"I don't get to take a day off from this."
"If I cut corners I end up in an ambulance."
2. They probably don't understand the seriousness.
A surprising number of people mistake epinephrine for routine maintenance medication: take a shot, wait an hour--as if it were no big deal. If you get anaphylaxis to a non-big-8 allergen they might imagine it exists in some nebulous middle realm, an imaginary anaphylaxis lite.
These impressions often come from learning something about anaphylaxis that was either out of date, incomplete, or misremembered. The most effective way to shut down someone who thinks they know more than they do is to jump even further down the rabbit hole and talk their ears off.
Suggested wonkery:
Regale them about
biphasic reactions.
Delve into the rising
rate of hospital admissions after
emergency treatment for anaphylaxis.
Explain that the severity of prior anaphylactic episodes
does not predict the chance of a fatal reaction.
Discuss the
rising cost of epinephrine auto-injectors.
Then ask how much they are willing to chip in toward your insurance deductible on an ambulance ride, ER treatment, and replacement auto-injectors.
3. They don't grok cross-contamination.
People give us odd looks and sometimes challenge us when we explain that trace residues on counter tops and serving utensils are hazardous.
When it comes to primary school settings one way to get agreement is to frame this in terms of the difficulty of getting children to wash their hands. Every parent knows that problem.
Among adults it is usually effective to describe firsthand experiences with cross-contamination reactions. A few individuals will still be dubious about cross-contamination as a phenomenon; citing sources persuades the ones who are willing to look at evidence.
Suggested solutions:
Reference the
UK Food Standards Agency guidelines regarding cross-contamination precautions.
This
Irish guide to safe allergen management in the catering industry includes a useful breakdown of cross-contamination risks from contact with contaminated equipment, with unwashed hands, and from direct contact between allergens and other foods, see page 19.
Explain a
case study in the medical literature where the physician concluded that trace exposure from contaminated serving utensils caused a near-fatal allergic reaction.
4. The five stages of grief might explain their irrational behavior.
Other
food allergy bloggers have discussed this as a way of understanding their own responses to getting diagnosed with anaphylactic allergies. It may seem strange to apply this framework to allergies, but an orthopedic surgeon who used to treat me remarked how he often saw his patients work through those stages in response to hand and wrist fractures.
Briefly, these are the stages:
Denial
Anger
Negotiation
Depression
Acceptance
Those first three--denial, anger, and negotiation--describe most of the social friction that surrounds anaphylactic food allergies. It is intriguing to speculate that this could be a natural sequence of human response to unwelcome news; maybe it offers a clue to understanding people who push back against requests for accommodation.
On the one hand, this framework humanizes people who behave in difficult ways. Yet I am not going to risk the equivalent of Russian roulette to accommodate someone else's feelings. That's out of the question. Nor is it reasonable to put the burden of someone else's emotional response on me: anaphylactic food allergies are a
recognized disability under the ADA. I've got to manage this condition probably for the rest of my life. That makes me the wrong individual to offer support. No matter how polite a face I put on, inwardly I'm thinking,
so it bothers you that much to accommodate this at one event--here's the world's smallest violin.
This framework has been useful is in recognizing that someone's grating conduct isn't necessarily personal. It does me no good to take offense; righteous indignation is counterproductive. Their head has gone to a bad place. Maybe they will unstick their head from that place--that's their journey. In the meantime the framework offers me a way to disengage from them and refocus on tangible priorities.
Suggested solutions:
In places where the ADA applies people with anaphylactic allergies have rights; there are ways to exercise those rights. Within educational and workplace settings that usually involves creating a 504 plan.
The nonprofit groups
FARE and
FAACT offer advocacy resources for people who have food allergies.
Within informal social and family settings it often helps to identify the problem such as responding to attempts at negotiation with,
"This is not a negotiation." If the person doubles down after being shown reliable sources, then the only two feasible options are to enlist the support of advocates or to curtail the difficult individual's ability to cause problems.
5. Some people won't see reason.
"There are people that if they don't know, you can't tell them." - Louis Armstrong
Last autumn a
Washington Post advice column
ran a letter from a worker who found peanut butter smeared underneath their desk after they asked a colleague to accommodate their allergy needs. A month later the column ran a
follow-up: the perpetrator confessed when the possibility came up of getting the police involved. Management fired that perpetrator immediately.
An even more serious instance in the UK led to a
manslaughter conviction and a six year prison term for a restaurant owner who violated numerous food safety regulations and continued misrepresenting ingredients after a customer was hospitalized, until a second customer died from an allergic reaction and law enforcement intervened.
Education is a wonderful thing, but people do exist who fail to improve with education. One of the hard facts about food anaphlaxis is that--even within families--some people never adapt and it drives the family apart.
No, I can't have just a little bit.
No, I can't make an exception.
Yes, it's that serious.
Nobody likes to repeat themselves endlessly, especially about essential medical precautions. When someone else fails to accept the basics after fair efforts at communication, eventually the only solution is to regard that individual as unsafe and prevent them from causing real harm.